The song that says it all.

This song has been playing everywhere lately. It is something that keeps haunting me.

High dive into frozen waves
Where the past comes back to life
Fight fear for the selfish pain
And it's worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash
Cause we both know how this ends
Our clock ticks till it breaks your glass
And I drown in you again

Cause you are the piece of me
I wish i didn't need
Chasing relentlessly
Still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy
If our love's insanity why are you my clarity
Walk on through a red parade
And refuse to make amends
It cuts deep through our ground
And makes us forget all common sense
Don't speak as I try to leave
Cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull, then I'll push too deep
And I'll fall right back to you


How do they know? How do other people put my pain into words so well? I ran away to get over this, and was only pulled back in. Now everything is shattered again. Everything is done. I can't help dreaming every night like nothing has changed, only to awaken and go through the same pain every morning. 

Mornings are so tough. Now that school has started, I get up, go to class, go through the motions. I have fun, I laugh with people I care about, I do what needs to be done. But that excitement I used to have is gone. That idea that life held so much promise has disappeared. I have these goals I will be working toward because what else can I do? Gym, school, graduation, then on to nursing (hopefully) but how can I ever get excited when I had a partner, someone I thought I could trust implicitly, someone who told me it was for the long haul- only to lose them and have no idea what went wrong. Really, NO IDEA. Everything that used to be the reasons, need to change, need to grow, need to find oneself, they all took place. Things changed, got better, the future was so full of promise. And yet the same old thing happened. 

I remember the day when I 'knew' this was for good. Months after we started dating, shortly after we had our first "I know this is soon but I can't help but love you", I let him look under my bed. I was crying when he helped me clean behind and under my bed. I was such a slob then, so lost in my own laziness. And yet, he was so tender as he hugged me and told me not to worry, he loved me and my mess. He saw behind the curtain and found out I was no Great and Powerful Oz, but instead a scared little girl pretending to be strong. And because of his support, I was able to grow and get better. It took a while, but I did. I am still messy, but I don't have the same slovenliness hiding in the dark places of my heart.

I can't help but still love you. It is embarrassing and I get angry at myself but I can't forget the most important friend I've had. I don't know how you can.



Anyone know where I can borrow a cup of strength? A bit of courage to move on?