I make myself small...

I shine so brightly when single, relying only on myself for confidence and strength. When I love I give myself completely and it is then I begin to lose my lustre. I am caring and giving and I build you up with my love, but still I make myself smaller for you.

For love.

Yet then, when I need to be lifted and carried and held I am no longer that beautiful bright star that proved once irresistible. I am instead a dull and tarnished mirror, reflecting your visage in my countenance, my unconditional love no longer enough to make you like what you see.

For you do not see the what I see.

Your potential.

Your beauty.

Your worth.

You only know your own self doubts, as we all do, unable to believe anything but what our own biases have corrupted.

And so you leave.

And so I doubt.

Until I begin to shed the tarnish and shine again, brighter still for the imperfect love that has added to my story. This brightness attracts another, who is dazzled by my brilliance and cannot resist my charms and the cycle begins anew.

Hesitantly I surrender again.

Ipsy!

Well, I signed up for a monthly "mystery box" subscription from a company called IPSY. They include samples and full sizes from cosmetic companies, and for ten bucks I just couldn't say no. A few of my friends  would post pictures each month and show off their goodies, so I was super pumped when I was off the waiting list (yes, it is so popular there is a waiting list; whether it is because of supply issues or just clever marketing I don't know) and I received my first Glam Bag this month.

Isn't this pretty? (that's me covering my address). I love this super sparkly bubble envelope. Where can I get some of these for my own personal use? I was sooo pumped to slice this open and see what is inside.

Inside was this adorable black clutch or makeup bag, and a makeup brush. One thing you should know about me is that I LOVE MAKEUP BAGS. It is weird, because I don't really use a lot of makeup. I just like them a lot, I guess. Oh well. A friend is thinking about adding a strap handle to the bag to turn it into a wristlet. I'll ask her for pics if she does.

Behind the bag on the envelope is the silver handled eye blender brush from Mirabella Beauty. I haven't had a chance to use it yet, but it looks and feels great. I needed this shape eye shadow brush and so this was a perfect match for me! 

The bag was filled with fun stuff! First was this eyeshadow trio from POP Beauty. There were two different palettes sent this month, I happened to get "Smokin Hot". It is a really nice set of shimmer white, silver and black for a great smoky eye. I just really wish I had gotten the "Naturally Bare" palette, as it is more my style. Hey, it is still a gorgeous set! 

This is a really nice lip pencil from J.Cat Beauty called "The Big Lip Pencil". I got it in Red Rose, which is a really nice red shade. I never wear red lip colour, but I tried this and I think when I am wearing makeup for a special event I could actually pull this red off! I am super pumped to try, anyway. Confidence! That is what counts when wearing red lipstick, right? Well, this applies smoothly, it is not drying and I really like it. I may be forced to actually buy one in a more nude shade for everyday use.

Ok so this is probably the item I was most excited to receive this month. It is called "The One Stick" by Be a Bombshell Cosmetics. And it is really the one stick to rule them all. This creamy colour (I got a nice pinky colour called 'Girl Crush') can be used as eyeshadow, blush or lipstick. It goes on very easily, and adds a sheerwash of shimmery blush. I can't wait to try it out with the rest of my makeup. 

I forgot to take a picture of the nail polish, but it is here in the big pic of everything I received. The polish is from Jesse's Girl Cosmetics, a line called Frosted Gum Drops in a colour called Sugar Plum Fairy. It is a textured polish, and is supposed to have that same feel as, well, the sugar frosted on a gum drop! I am just now starting my nails so I will have to update with a pic and review once I'm done. 

So that was it, my first IPSY experience. I loved it! I can't wait to see what awesomeness they send me in January. Stay tuned, this month I also have my Reddit Secret Santa Exchange, I have some pics of some of the chocolates I made for Xmas gifts, and a couple recipes including a really tasty corned beef hash I am addicted to right now. I hope to be more dedicated in my updates, but only time will tell!!!

Happy Holidays everyone, much love, 

Laura

The song that says it all.

This song has been playing everywhere lately. It is something that keeps haunting me.

High dive into frozen waves
Where the past comes back to life
Fight fear for the selfish pain
And it's worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash
Cause we both know how this ends
Our clock ticks till it breaks your glass
And I drown in you again

Cause you are the piece of me
I wish i didn't need
Chasing relentlessly
Still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy
If our love's insanity why are you my clarity
Walk on through a red parade
And refuse to make amends
It cuts deep through our ground
And makes us forget all common sense
Don't speak as I try to leave
Cause we both know what we'll choose
If you pull, then I'll push too deep
And I'll fall right back to you


How do they know? How do other people put my pain into words so well? I ran away to get over this, and was only pulled back in. Now everything is shattered again. Everything is done. I can't help dreaming every night like nothing has changed, only to awaken and go through the same pain every morning. 

Mornings are so tough. Now that school has started, I get up, go to class, go through the motions. I have fun, I laugh with people I care about, I do what needs to be done. But that excitement I used to have is gone. That idea that life held so much promise has disappeared. I have these goals I will be working toward because what else can I do? Gym, school, graduation, then on to nursing (hopefully) but how can I ever get excited when I had a partner, someone I thought I could trust implicitly, someone who told me it was for the long haul- only to lose them and have no idea what went wrong. Really, NO IDEA. Everything that used to be the reasons, need to change, need to grow, need to find oneself, they all took place. Things changed, got better, the future was so full of promise. And yet the same old thing happened. 

I remember the day when I 'knew' this was for good. Months after we started dating, shortly after we had our first "I know this is soon but I can't help but love you", I let him look under my bed. I was crying when he helped me clean behind and under my bed. I was such a slob then, so lost in my own laziness. And yet, he was so tender as he hugged me and told me not to worry, he loved me and my mess. He saw behind the curtain and found out I was no Great and Powerful Oz, but instead a scared little girl pretending to be strong. And because of his support, I was able to grow and get better. It took a while, but I did. I am still messy, but I don't have the same slovenliness hiding in the dark places of my heart.

I can't help but still love you. It is embarrassing and I get angry at myself but I can't forget the most important friend I've had. I don't know how you can.



Anyone know where I can borrow a cup of strength? A bit of courage to move on?

Why is moving on so hard?

Each night, just about sunset
I watch you passing my door
It's all I can do
Not to run to you
'Cause I don't want to cry anymore

Nighttime, when there is moonlight
The same old moon I knew before
It's all I can do
Not to run to you
'Cause I don't want to cry anymore

All that I know about happiness
I found just being with you
Then I would find myself losing my mind
Over some careless thing you would do

Oh, why can't I forget you
I know so well what is in store
A moment or two
Up in the clouds with you
Then back where I was before

No I don't want to cry anymore
All that I've known about happiness
I found just being with you
Then I would find myself losing my mind
Over some careless thing you would do

Oh, why can't I forget you
I know so well what is in store
A moment or two
Up in the clouds with you
Then back where I was before

No I don't want to cry anymore 

Each day, Life begins again.

Welcome back!

I am home now, my foreign adventure all done. Since I've been home I've gone back to work, met with old friends, and of course, made the same old mistakes over and over. Cryptic? Well, I don't know how deep I'll get into things. I am not yet sure if sometimes things are just better left unsaid. So it is easier not to say them and think about it further.

My trip! I have been asked again and again, "How was your trip?" and I pretty much always answer the same way. "Amazing. It changed my life." And it did. I have grown so much as a person over those two months being away. I learned what I am capable of- anything! I learned how strong I am- unstoppable! I learned who I was again- Laura the Great.

I'm not trying to be cocky, really I'm not. I do think I am great though. I have faults, I do. I can be short-tempered sometimes, a little jealous, I can expect a lot from others, sometimes my attempts at humor then make me seem mean. I'm overweight- that's a big one for me. At those times when I am feeling low about myself, I really do believe my being fat makes me a little less than people who are "in shape". It is strange, I usually believe that we are all equals. Then once and a while I have those thoughts. Those shady, insidious thoughts that make you doubt all that you should know to be true. How do you conquer these thoughts? It is tough, but I weather it and keep telling myself not to believe those Ceti eels that want to control you.

Those burrowing doubts used to have such a hold over me. While away, I learned to ignore them better. I learned through meditation ways to take control and try to get them out of my thoughts. Sort of. I don't want to make it seem like I'm all Zen and enlightened. I did, however, learn some tips to help balance my mind. Yet still there are those few times when I am at their mercy. When I can't help but see myself as ugly, alone and worthless.

It's just a moment of weakness.

I happily returned to work the week after I got home. I work part time retail, and funny, I love it. I don't think it is a career option, but for now I feel great when I help a customer with a craft or art project, successfully help a birthday boy or girl have a fun party, or laugh and have a good time with my co workers. It is the pride of doing a job, any job, proudly, and doing it well. Sure, some days you just get a lot of cranky customers who make you question your own sanity, but most days are rewarding and fun and make you feel like you earned your wage. I am motivated and excited to keep working while in school, hopefully able to finally get the paper crafting classes successful, and earn some money to pay for my expenses.

I was so happy to see many of my friends when I got home. There was one friend in particular that I ended up falling into old habits with. But we all need to learn that things happen the way they happen, not because fate designates it but because we are all sentient creatures with agencies of our own. You can try to control things but you'll only make yourself miserable in the long run. So I am now back to my independent self, taking each day as it comes and concentrating on reaching my goals.

Have you heard the saying 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?' It has been (mis) attributed to Einstein, Benjamin Franklin and even Mark Twain. Put aside the rather callous way it deals with mental illness, but the message it conveys rings true; it's pointless to keep making the same mistakes over and over.

That's all I'm going to say about that.

I made a really large purchase; I bought myself a new laptop. I super fancy high-end gaming laptop. It is going to allow to write, blog, make videos, edit photos, and of course, play games. Since I no longer have regular access to the 360 and (most importantly) the Final Fantasy XIV MMO is starting Aug 24, I needed a computer that could handle gaming. And now I own an Alienware 17 sexy piece of machinery. I'll post some pics later.

Anyway, that is my first post of my new blog. Actually, it is my second, but the first one will forever remain a draft, as it is self serving and spoiled and whiney and I just don't think it would do ANYONE any good to have it public, but I don't think I'm ready to just delete it yet. Draft. Excellent option.

Hope that you all enjoy the last of our summer,

Much love,

Laura